I have to say that after last night's wretched defeat of my beloved Tar Heels, I wasn't very much into doing much today. Maybe it's even a little bit of shame or guilt- I may have jinxed them myself! But, mostly, it's exhaustion. Work has been difficult to say the least, and some days, you just need to sit back, relax, do some laundry, cook a couple of good meals, and just sit around.

A typical raining Sunday, so we didn't get the chance to do much gardening now that the ground is thawed. We planted dahlias, and peonies yesterday. I also planted some potted freesia and gladiolas, mainly to supply my demand for fresh flowers in the house. I'm excited for these bulbs to come up, and to see if my roses from last year made it through the bitter winter here in Minnesota.

My coworkers keeps saying to me that I'm an "official Minnesotan" now that I've lasted a true Minnesota winter. I hate that they think that of me. I didn't survive anything. I was in Hawaii for two weeks, and North Carolina, and Floria and New Orleans and Philly. It doesn't exactly say much of a true Minnesotan when I travel whenever I can to get the hell away from here.

I was chatting with my long lost friend and colleague Nate the other night, and he has family up here. He can't believe I don't love it here, but then I think to myself, why would I love it here? Home is where the heart is, and true, my husband is here, but that's it as far as family goes. I believe there is more than a permanent address to determine where you live, and if that's true, than I live everywhere else than here.

Thinking ahead, I cannot wait to leave here, and it's felt that way for me since day one. Let's be honest, at first I was homesick and lonely, but now it's more that I miss the type of people I used to find myself with are are endangered animals up here. People who were fun loving but not insane, who enjoyed lazy afternoons and that thought winter was the season we got that one freak snow storm. I miss the comfort of knowing people I saw around town, and feeling like I belonged, that's what I miss most.

This Sunday afternoon at home makes me more and more aware of these feelings of "not belonging" here. We've carved a niche for ourselves with our home and workplaces and hobbies, but I cannot say with a straight face that we've exactly established our lives here. Both Dan and myself seem to be in a holding pattern, waiting to exhale when we move and people are more like us, and the weather warmer.

You know you're in a bad situation when you come home from work, and the only thing you can think to yourself is Thank god I'm finally home where I am safe, and Do I really have to go back tomorrow? It's sad, in a way. I used to love my job. I loved the money, the thrill, the rush when something went right used to flush my face and give me momentum into the next project.

I'm in a situation where I was not set up to win, and all I can do is barely keep afloat. I keep trying to put positive spins on situations, but when I add everything up, the position I'm in right now makes me want to go to the bottle so I can drink the day out of my mind. I don't go to the bottle, so instead I come home, go upstairs, and sit on the computer playing mindless games as if they provided some sort of escape. I think the worst part of this is that I'm stuck. I've been cornered and am clawing at the walls for a way out.

There's no where for me to go. I won't say my industry is completely sexist, but there is some of that element in the workplace. I'm in the situation where I'm also working with people who have children my age, and I can see them thinking to themselves one of two scenarios.

1. What on Earth is she doing here?
2. God, I'm old.

I see it in their eyes, but when I try to articulate that I'm completely aware that I know they're thinking that, I get called incompetent.

I love that word. In-com-pe-tent. It says so much about the way people think. It's not that I'm not enabled, it's that I'm unable to do the job and shouldn't be here. It should moreso be UNcompetent, the lack thereof of competence, but instead "in" is the suffix someone at Webster's or Rogert's decided. The word is a complete oxymoron, almost like myself. So when I see these people think that, that and that I somehow don't care, it's laughable.

I care too much, but no one sees that. Every comment, every stab at my back, hurts more and more. I equate the feeling with that same way you feel when someone pulls you aside for the talk. Your relationship is ending, you know it, they know it, there's no way out of this conversation. It makes your stomach turn; you're a little nauseated and taste the saliva thickening at the back of your throat. You're not good enough. You do something wrong. That calendar invite you sent out was mis-formatted. How careless of you. It's the final straw.

Over time, these perceived careless acts amount to a bag of acts and misdeed with which they stone you. It just compounds over time, and though you try and you try to get things right for just once... Alas, the deck is stacked against you in this game, every single round, every bet, every stay, and all you can do it sit there and take it. Hold back your tears, the relationship is headed to it's end. You can beg for pity, for redemption, but that will only go so far.

In every relationship, work requires two people, sometimes more. Right now, I'm caught in the middle of a love triangle. Well, more a hate triangle. Everyone is trying to get a piece of the action and they don't care who they strike down or how they do it. You hear things through other people, your supposed bedfellows... and they just don't add up to what you heard first hand. Nice to your face, schemers behind your back- it never ends.

So now I'm home, and my first husband has come home from his job. He doesn't feel like I do about work. He holds no passion, no drive, no desire to do well and be rewarded. It's just a job for him, and I am his wife. Sure, it makes him angry sometimes... but it doesn't strike him in the heart and soul. I wish I were more like my husband, and able to just think of it as just a job.

I've not blogged in a terribly long time. Not in years, now that I think back on it. There's been many times that I've wanted to, and honestly, just didn't want to overcome the urge to dig up the code and turn everything back on again.

Well, I'm back. I'm there. I'm in a place where I need to think things through via the keyboard and my monitor, with the subtle tones of Muse in the background. It's a good start, I suppose.

I miss the person I used to be. The strong, confident, and carefree version of myself that I seemed to have left in North Carolina when I moved to this wretched shithole of a state. For those wondering what wonderful metropolis I speak of, it's Minnesota. It seems to me, that the person I was, Katherine, just didn't work outside of NC. The part of me, my soul, the inner strength I developed after the tumultuous teenage years just melted away with the Spring snow, leaving the scared middle-school student that never quite fit in, regardless of how hard she tried.

I've been subtly asked to change the way I am. Instead of speaking out, I bite my tongue, eager to avoid increased problems for myself. More and more, this twenty-sixth year of my life has been filled with one work related disappointment after another. This is definitely a turning point year for my development, but I'm honestly scared of what I will metamorphosis into. Will I turn into a mealy mouthed invalid in the workplace, scared of standing up for herself in an effort to keep out of the spotlight? Can I regain my true self and become the woman I was meant to and started to become in North Carolina?

Thinking of the person I was, there were plenty of flaws. I was hot headed, reactionary, and had an authority complex. Looking back, after 5 years working, I see why the passionate people just give up, and then after 20 years of working, they go into crisis. I don't just miss the person I was, I long for the strength I had in my identity. When I think about being depressed this past year, and what that has done to me and what I have done to myself with that, I see a lack of resolve and inner control that used to be my core.

These thoughts haunt me almost everyday now. I know I need to change something in my life, and the most obvious answer seems to be my job. That would be the easy way out. I've never been one for the easy way. It seems too..., well, easy. So, I guess all I can say is we shall see where I go on my intellectual development. Something I can already see, is that I need to do more writing, and I think this is the forum for which I am going to pursue that in the future. Who cares if no one reads it. At least it's out there.

Here I am, finding my lost self, and moving on.