I've not blogged in a terribly long time. Not in years, now that I think back on it. There's been many times that I've wanted to, and honestly, just didn't want to overcome the urge to dig up the code and turn everything back on again.

Well, I'm back. I'm there. I'm in a place where I need to think things through via the keyboard and my monitor, with the subtle tones of Muse in the background. It's a good start, I suppose.

I miss the person I used to be. The strong, confident, and carefree version of myself that I seemed to have left in North Carolina when I moved to this wretched shithole of a state. For those wondering what wonderful metropolis I speak of, it's Minnesota. It seems to me, that the person I was, Katherine, just didn't work outside of NC. The part of me, my soul, the inner strength I developed after the tumultuous teenage years just melted away with the Spring snow, leaving the scared middle-school student that never quite fit in, regardless of how hard she tried.

I've been subtly asked to change the way I am. Instead of speaking out, I bite my tongue, eager to avoid increased problems for myself. More and more, this twenty-sixth year of my life has been filled with one work related disappointment after another. This is definitely a turning point year for my development, but I'm honestly scared of what I will metamorphosis into. Will I turn into a mealy mouthed invalid in the workplace, scared of standing up for herself in an effort to keep out of the spotlight? Can I regain my true self and become the woman I was meant to and started to become in North Carolina?

Thinking of the person I was, there were plenty of flaws. I was hot headed, reactionary, and had an authority complex. Looking back, after 5 years working, I see why the passionate people just give up, and then after 20 years of working, they go into crisis. I don't just miss the person I was, I long for the strength I had in my identity. When I think about being depressed this past year, and what that has done to me and what I have done to myself with that, I see a lack of resolve and inner control that used to be my core.

These thoughts haunt me almost everyday now. I know I need to change something in my life, and the most obvious answer seems to be my job. That would be the easy way out. I've never been one for the easy way. It seems too..., well, easy. So, I guess all I can say is we shall see where I go on my intellectual development. Something I can already see, is that I need to do more writing, and I think this is the forum for which I am going to pursue that in the future. Who cares if no one reads it. At least it's out there.

Here I am, finding my lost self, and moving on.

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